Princess Smackdown: Who is the Best of Them All?

Beauty is only skin deep. Although we’ve all heard that saying, we still appreciate and are attracted to a pretty face. And Walt Disney did little to correct that trend. His first three Princesses were heavy on the looks, light on true depth. But 30 years have passed and the final eight official Princesses have worn a different tiara.

So who would be the best Princess of them all if we added more than beauty into the equation? To find out, we will gauge each Princess on the following criteria: Independence; Judgment; Contribution; Personality; and of course, Physical Appearance.

Let’s start by meeting the contestants:

Snow White (1937) – SW

Cinderella (1950) – CIN

Aurora (1959) – SB

Ariel (1989) – LM

Belle (1991) – BEL

Jasmine (1992) – JAS

Pocahontas (1995) – POC

Mulan (1998) – MUL

Tiana (2009) – TIA

Rapunzel (2010) – RAP

Merida (2012) – MER

Independence

SW, CIN, and SB definitely lose this category. They were little more than bystanders in their own lives. LM, BEL, JAS, MUL, RAP, TIA, RAP, and MER all lived in restrictive times but were able to rise above that to find their own path. But most of them did rely on others to help them do it. In the case of MER, I think she went a little too far! So this round goes to Pocahontas.

This Indian Princess was independent from the get go! She had a strong will and a determination to try new things which ultimately led to bridges being built between two very different cultures.

Runner Up: Mulan

Judgment

Again, our first three Princesses didn’t have many decisions to make. Others did it for them, or to them, in the case of CIN. When she decided to venture out, it was under the protection of her Fairy Godmother. But that’s not enough to win this round.

LM also loses this round because she went to an evil Witch to get what she wanted! RAP also loses for trusting a thief, although no one could blame her considering the situation! TIA was ready to put her dreams in the kiss of a frog. Again, MER made such a bad decision that it turned her loved ones into bears. Perhaps asking for something more specific than ‘change’ would have been a good idea!

So that leaves it to the final four Princesses. JAS snuck out from the safety of her palace, but was in no real danger, as she could always identify herself for protection. POC and MUL both risked a lot and put them themselves in great danger, but it was for a good cause.

But I’m giving this round to Belle. She decided to sacrifice herself, her freedom, and her future, to save her ailing Father. A nobler thing I can’t imagine!

Runner Up: Cinderella

Contribution

SW, CIN, and SB were all good housekeepers. They sang well and were kind to animals. For their times, those were good contributions.

LM, JAS, RAP and TIA were more about their personal journeys. They did touch others along the way, but their stories were more about them.

That leaves BEL, POC, MUL, and MER. BEL eventually left the Beast, although she did return. But I’m disqualifying her for that anyway. MER did finally contribute to her Father’s people by learning to be a peacemaker between the tribes without having to marry anyone. I like that! And although POC did make for peace too, I have to give this round to Mulan. Hey, she helped win a war!

Runner Up: Pocahontas

Personality

All of our contestants have good personalities. But let’s see if we can eliminate some in a lightning round. SW: Too sweet. SB: Not enough to go on. LM: Possibly a bit selfish. BEL: A tad condescending to her ‘provincial’ neighbors? JAS: Spoiled. POC: A bit too intense. MUL: Conflicted. MER: A wee bit bratty (but  read on).

I’m having a hard time placing TIA in this category. She was a feisty frog!

But I’m giving this to Cinderella. No matter how horrid everyone was to her, she just kept singing and working and… loving! Even after her Prince came, she didn’t hold a grudge against her wicked stepfamily. Now that’s character!

Runner Up: Rapunzel/Merida

Physical Appearance

This is purely a matter of taste. Some of the Disney Princesses are more overtly sexual than others, even though that’s not something we’re supposed to notice. But come on, a clamshell bra? Who wouldn’t notice? But for me, Jasmine wins this round!

Runner Up: Aurora

And the winner is:

So if we add up the points, who is the ultimate Princess? The best of the best? Rating each Princess on each of the categories with a 1 for the least and 5 for the most relevant, the winner is:

P o c a h o n t a s

Runner Up: Cinderella. And hoping that both break a heel on the way to the podium: Belle

If you disagree, leave a comment and tell me why! And where do you think Elsa and Anna would fit into this contest? Winners, or would they get the cold shoulder?

It’s a Whole New World with Paparazzi Princesses

Happily ever after. Every Disney movie seems to end that way, but especially if it’s a Princess movie! Of course, we don’t live in that kind of a world, do we?

Celebrities are constantly being maligned. Their lives are reported on and distorted beyond recognition. Sometimes it’s unbelievable the headlines we see!

So I wondered: What kind of headlines would the Disney Princesses make in today’s tabloids?

Well, let’s have a look…

Snow White

Teenage Girl Arrested for Polygamy With Seven Men

Aurora

Parents of Comatose Girl Decide to Remove Life Support

Cinderella

Lonely Woman’s Strange Hobby: Sewing Clothes for Mice

Ariel

Girl Found on Beach Half-naked, Fined, Defendant Speechless

Jasmine

Royalty Involved in Peasant Scandal, Loses Crown

Belle

Woman Turns Down He-man, Marries Man-Beast

Pocahontas

Young Lady Committed, Claims Tree is Grandmother, Talks to Raccoon

Mulan

Girl Charged With Tom-peepery, Found by Men’s Bathing Pool

Tiana

Family Disowns Daughter for Alternative Lifestyle After Kissing Frog

Rapunzel

Girl Arrested After Striking Man With Frying Pan, Claims Self Defense

Merida

Scottish Lass Turns Mother, Brothers into Bears (you can’t make this stuff up!)

Anna and Elsa

Ice Queens Put the Freeze on Mankind. Wait… what?

Bonus Princess: Alice

Little Girl Talks to Pet Rabbit, Eats Strange Mushroom, Parents Appauled

So I guess it’s for the best that these stories take place far, far away in a time long, long ago, and not in our modern world!

My Other Car Is a Jaguar-themed Monorail

Walt Disney never intended the monorail to stay in his theme parks. He wanted it to be used to link major centers in California, and of course, this wish would have spilled over to Florida as well. Alas, it wasn’t to be! Light Rail prevailed and surface trains still rule the transportation world.

At least in North America.

But Walt did prove that it was a viable form of mass transportation with an unparalleled safety quotient. So I want to know why my other car can’t be a monorail!

OK, maybe the millions of dollars it would cost to build my own beamway might inhibit my plans to glide down to the corner store for a bag of milk, but a guy can dream!

Do they sell bags of milk at the Contemporary Resort?

Another cool thing about having my own personal monorail would be the ability to trick, or pimp, it out! I could paint it in all kinds of different colors, or:

     The Tronorail. Mine would be a Jagorail!

Yes, my other car is actually a vintage 1987 Jaguar painted a deep burgundy, so if I could wrap that idea around my other other car (my monorail) I’d be a happy (although somewhat eccentric) driver/pilot!

Honestly…

… a leaping Jaguar on a monorail = COOLNESS!

So who’s with me? Personal monorails for everyone with miles and miles of two-way beams to take us here and there and everywhere else besides. And if it’s not too much trouble, could you pick me up a bag of milk while you’re out please?

How to Get Your Newborn Ready for Disney

It’s never too early. How many times have we heard that old chestnut? Well, in the case of developing an appreciation for Disney, it rings true! So today I present a list that every expecting and self-respecting Disney Fan should read.

And if you’ve already received your bundle of joy, then it’s even more important that you read and apply these suggestions. Their little minds could be swayed by Dreamworks characters before you know it, or worse yet, they might see a Universal Studios commercial!

So to make sure that doesn’t happen, I give you 20 Ways to get your child ready for Disney from birth:

1. Hang a Mobile over her crib that plays ‘It’s a Small World After All’ in 27 languages.

2. As you plan your Disney trips, ask yourself: “Will I be able to ride Space Mountain with her strapped in one of those baby carriers?”

3. Make sure to book an appointment at the Main Street Barbershop for that ever-important first haircut!

4. Be sure to track the baby’s height measurement every single day. You must be ready for when she’s tall enough to ride your favorite attraction.

5. Visit the Parks early and often and stay late. You’ll need to build your stamina to endure Disney Parks with a child!

6. Teach her to lift her hands in the air while in the baby swing so she will learn how to assume the position.

7. Prepare your little one for the Disney dining experience by dressing up as different characters during meal times.

8. Search your home area for a local Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boutique stylist (or kidnap one) so your little Princess always has The Look! If you have the look, you have the feeling.

9. Take your baby to the Flower and Garden Festival every year, to help build up her immunity to Florida allergens.

10. Sing the most infectious Disney songs to her as lullabies every night, so that she’ll never forget them. Seriously. She’ll never be able to forget them!

11. Buy her an iPod Touch and fill it with every Disney App imaginable. It’s never too early to become a Disney Geek!

12. Get her an Alice costume, Mad Hatter and March Hare stuffies, and a tea set, so she can have her own Mad Tea Parties.

13. Slowly start integrating Dole Whip floats and turkey legs into the child’s diet.

14. It’s good to teach kids a second language as early as possible. Why not start with: “Por favor mantenganse alejado de las puertas.”

15. Instead of trying to get your baby to say “mama” or “dada” as her first word, instead, try to teach her “Mickey” or “Minnie.”

16. Make sure to buy baby’s first Mouse Ears! Never too soon to be a Mouseketeer!

17. Make sure your baby is used to riding around in a stroller… she’ll be doing lots of that at Disney Parks!

18. To get her ready for Parades, cover her in flashing lights and play SpectroMagic Parade Music while you have her walk up and down the driveway.

19. Buy a Tinkerbell nightlight so baby doesn’t ever have to be afraid of the dark or pirates.

20. Play old Disney 45’s while she sleeps. Merlin Jones’ Sleep-learning system doesn’t just work on chimpanzees and Football players!

So there you have it. 20 of the best ways to ensure that your little bundle of joy grows up to love Disney. Try not to think of it as brain washing, but more like very strong suggestions forced upon a young, impressionable mind. No, wait…

Bonus: Tell her bad puns while giving her a bath to prepare her for the Jungle Cruise.

This list was compiled by me with the help of many different writers from across the Blogosphere and originally appeared on the Chip and Company website. It has been edited and updated for publishing here.

Where Have All the Disney Princes Gone After the Movie?

The camera pans to a large leather-bound book. It has gold leaf edges complete with a hand-painted scene on the cover. It depicts a beautiful maiden in the arms of a handsome Prince. The music swells as the cover of the book is opened to reveal the immortal fairy tale words: ‘Once upon a time, in a Kingdom far, far, away, lived…’

You know the rest. Snow White; Sleeping Beauty (above); Cinderella; they all got their start this way. Along with just about every other cartoon soon-to-be Princess! But this storybook opening isn’t the only constant to be found in feature-length animated fairy tales.

The other constant is the minimal role of the Prince himself. Usually he is a handsome young man (unmarried, this is very important) who just wants to find true love. He happens upon a peasant girl who sings beautifully, talks to animals, and is drop-dead gorgeous! Oh, and some very powerful person hates her and is bent on destroying her. If I was a Prince looking for my lady fair, I’d want to know this going in, but that’s just me.

Next comes the duet (how do they both know the words?) the loss, the chase, the harm/death sequence, all concluding with a kiss. Oh, and a marriage with the obligatory ‘Happily ever after’ tagline! But this entire plot manages to take place with the Prince getting about 10 minutes or less of screen time. When all is said and done, the Princess is in our hearts and the Prince is all but forgotten.

Until Disney decides to include the Princess in a parade or stage show in the Parks. Then she needs some eye-candy on her arm and our Prince is resurrected for a brief cameo. When a new Princess appears, her Prince fairs a little better. He gets to stick around for the Meet-and-Greet, but only for the first few months. Then he is ‘fired’ and sent back to the pages of the storybook he came from.

          Enjoy it while you can, boys!

Why does Disney DO this?!?

I first started to ponder on this when I heard about the ‘firing’ of Flynn Rider from the Rapunzel meet-and-greet. When that happened, I tried to remember if there were any real Prince meet-and-greets. Answer: None. Nada. Zip. Not even one.

Well, Aladdin manages to hang on over at EPCOT, but usually on the arm of Jasmine. So we’ll call him Mr. Exception for now (but that’s still Prince Ali A Bu Bu whatever-whatever to you).

Aladdin was posing alone at Disneyland in 2013

With the popularity of the Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boutique and it’s propensity for pumping out little Princesses by the carriage-load, am I the only one who sees the marketing and photo-op potential of a Prince meet-and-greet right next to the exit? And I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to believe that a few of the little Princesses’ mommies would get a kick out of snuggling up to Prince Eric or Prince Charming themselves = Girls Day Out at the Prince Meet-and-Greet!

Come on Disney! Give the old Princes a new lease on life. Let them have their day in the sun. After all, some of them had to fight long and hard to get their lady fair (albeit, mostly off-screen), so the least you could do is give them some face time! OK, it’s true the ladies can find some beefcake to pose with while running the Princess Half Marathon, but making women run for miles until they’re hot and sweaty before you let them pose with gorgeous men might not be as appreciated as you think!

Of course, I’ve never heard a Prince complain about this. Maybe they’re at home in their Man Cave in the basement of the castle enjoying Pay-Per-View wrestling events and drinking mead. Maybe they’re laughing at how their Princess is out there getting mauled by long lineups of strangers for nothing but a ‘Thank You’. Maybe they’re thinking to themselves: “It’s good to be the Prince!